October 12, 2017 Subject:
Cheesy Musings of an Oxygen-Deprived Brain
On her way home one night, the young, safety-concious and exessively-tanned Ms. Kingsley is suddenly turend into Safety Woman (AKA Guardiana, because just one moniker is clearly not enough for a superhero of her calibre) by helium-inhaling aliens. Of course, you've probably guessed that the safety-concious young lady she is, she parks her car in the middle of the road, in the middle of a curve, in the low visibilty of the night. Now, she would have chalked the whole thing up as a drug-induced hallucination if it weren't for the proof of her close encounter showing up the next day in the form of a candelabra-emblazoned ring which turns into a cheap plastic tray, and a magickal pizza-cutter.
Next, she talks to a twin-tailed young girl right out of a 50's safety film, who introduces us to the fire triangle, as well as the creators' belief that you can't extinguish a fire by cutting its oxygen supply, thereby boldly questioning the scientific validity of a plethora of firefighting methods, from wrapping someone in a blanket, to carbon dioxide fire extinguishers.
Next we see a black kid come home from a basketball game, hungry as a wolf, trying to fix himself a hamburger. Naturally, he does this by handling the raw meat with his unwashed hands. Now I'm quite sure the salmonella, e-coli, and most certainly gastroinstentinal parasites were known by the time this film was made, but I'll give this one a pass.
Then he puts the patty in a pan without greasing it first. Naturally, this causes a chip pan fire. Safety Woman appears, and magicks the fire away, thereby missing a prime opportunity to teach kids how to extinguish chip pan fires by covering the pan with, say, a slightly damp towel. But I guess that would run contrary to the writers' theory that you can't deprive a fire from oxygen!
She also advocates giving the three-finger salute with the wrong fingers, possibly as a safety measure against having her fingers cut off by Albanians.
Next, we see young Tommy unscrewing the door of an old refrigerator, so little kids don't get trapped inside it (which was a valid concern with old rerfrigerators). He finds his dad's 1911 in the closet, and triggers (pun not intended) virtually every responsible gun-owner by immediately putting his finger on the trigger. Safety Woman rushes to the rescue, reminding Tommy of Cooper's first law of gun safety.
Now, she's clearly tresspassing on Eddy Eagle's territory. But Eddy, being the courteous young fella he is, does not beat the crap out of her. Also, she doesn't treat Tommy to a pizza either (stictly against NRA child gun safety proceedures), but Tommy, being the courteous young fella he is, doesn't complain.
Next, she brings up several valid points regarding the dangers of stray toys on stairs and slippery floors, which brings us to the story of young Terry. Oblivious of the fact that any step ladder can only take so much weight, she climbs a ladder clearly not designed to take more than 100 kilograms of weight. Thankfully Guardiana arrives just on time to magick her wide arse to safety. Unfortunately, she doesn't use her powers to magick away her extra pounds, thereby condemning her to a lifetime of ridicule and clogged arteries.
Finally she mentions safety tips about household chemicals and faulty electrical wiring, making sure not to mention her theory about impossibility of taking the oxygen out of the fire triangle again, thereby saving herself further embrassment. And with an inane final shot and cheesy, uninspired piano music, the whole thing simply sizzles to a halt, with neither a proper conclusion, nor a quick recap of the safety rules mentioned in the film, as it is customary with safety films.
This a prime example of 70's drug-induced cheese, well worth a watch.
January 17, 2012 Subject:
You're Not Alone Guardiana
Who is the dude in the black jersey with a number on it reflected in her sunglasses?
July 15, 2010 Subject:
It's like a failed Marvel Comics idea
Yup, phallic supernatural gadgets, superpowers, day-saving, trash can lid shields, ground beef, this film's got it all! Some things exist solely for us mortal humans to ridicule: Plan 9 From Outer Space, bad commercials, the career of David Spade, this film has a special space on many a bad film afficionado's hard drive. If you haven't riffed it or seen it riffed, you're missing out on some fantastically bad edutainment.
I am amazed this was never shown to me amid the other trippy 70's safety features I was tormented with in school. While the idea is a hoot, it does move a bit too slow for the cheese to be ripe, especially in the overlong origin scene with the chipmunk-voiced aliens (which just serve to grate instead). But once we get to Guardiana, things generally pick up, especially because she spends more time on lecturing kids about how they are going to DIE in their homes of some horrible accident rather than using her superpowers, which can alter the flow of time. Oh, and Guardiana sure misses a lot of more practical safety tips (like when she puts a gun back in a location children would have access to!) while going on her spiels of how people could die tripping over toys and other sleep-inducing rants.
But I'll bet this video got shipped out with the full Guardiana activity set, complete with mind-numbing safety busy work for it's captive audience of schoolchildren. The true pity must be for them.
Edited in Jan 5, 2010: For those that aren't aware, the inimitable RiffTrax has covered this film and all of its glory.
Obviously wanting to plug into the 'Wonderwoman' craze at the time, with theme music reminiscent of 'The Hulk', this is 1970s superhero but with 1000th of the budget. With so many kids being injured or dying from accidents, then and today, I suppose every avenue has to be tried. It might have resonated with someone!!! Perhaps!!!
Note the scene where Karen walks with the little girl and has her hand on her shoulder Why does this cause so much consternation today? What have we become?
Thirty years later smile at the story of a meek mannered architect transformed by chipmunk aliens into . . . . . 'Safety Woman'!!
March 8, 2006 Subject:
A very real and present danger has been left out of this quintessential 70s "safety" film- It has been learned that the passage of "Soda" or "Pop" or any variant of carbonated beverages through one's sinuses or any other part of the respiratory tract could be, in some way, well, dangerous.
I recommend everyone download this film. It's a must see. You'll get to see Guardiana in her civilian clothes, presumably in the early AM, contemplating the finer points of safety as she enjoys ceral, toast, milk, juice and other parts of a nutritious breakfast. I'm convinced she's constipated. Next: Pay close attention to the warnings concerning electrical safety. Someone attempts to plug in an appliance who's cord appears to have been used to tow a car.
January 20, 2006 Subject:
Dated & cheaply made safety film
This children's safety film is obviously dated, but the low budget shows in the mediocre results. Some of the other reviewers brought out good points; before making the hamburger, the boy should have washed his hands, and the girl climbing the ladder should have had someone assisting her.
January 19, 2006 Subject:
Bless this film for its crappiness
This is one of the few times, even for low-grade instructional productions, where it appears the main character was dressed from some place even CHEAPER than a low-grade thrift store - I mean, a plastic garbage can lid as a shield? Okay...It's just incredibly cheap production all around, and the editing is such that I wonder if this was meant to be a longer feature with a lot more kids and they simply ran out of money once they figured out the impossibly tedious "chipmunk alien as manifested by a round fluorescent bulb" scene soaked up 50% of their film stock and budget. The acting performances are universally bad, but I suppose guardiana is to be commended for managing to wear that costume and do the danger dodger salute without either laughing or crying.
Bonus points: Look for the film crew to be reflected occasionally in guardiana's $3 sunglasses.
The BLATANTLY unsafe fan (how much of your hand do you want to lose today?)
The rather poor and often unrelated advice of guardiana. The "really long fall" girl's problem wasn't so much the ladder as it was she was trying to do it by herself. A longer ladder would have been even more dangerous in several ways. And what did that have to do with a kid who was playing with a gun? Come on!
December 23, 2005 Subject:
Aaaa-ware. Aaaa-lert. Aaaaaaa-live...
The cheese meter is off the map on this one. It's got it all--poor acting, improvised costuming, and some pretty lame special effects. The alien transformation sequence is the best part of the movie--ridiculously long and therefore hilarious. Well worth the download!
PS. Check out the "super burger" kid; after dashing in from playing outside, he grabs some raw burger meat, and doesn't even wash his hands. Safety indeed...
April 4, 2005 Subject:
GUARDIANA is silvery . . .
This is a "superhero" film in the style of the horrendous Filmation SHAZAM and ISIS shows from the 1970's, only with a much lower budget, which probably means it cost a negative number of dollars to produce. Dialogue and plot are so bad, it appears someone was trying to be awful on purpose - but who knows. There's a wonky flying saucer and a hilarious fast-motion alien voiceover during the origin sequence. The lady who plays the "freelance architect, part-time crossing guard, very special kind of woman" (according to the narrator) secret identity of GUARDIANA, wears high heels when she's doing crossing guard duties. She exhibits creepy friendliness to a young girl. This is a pretty cool film.
October 8, 2004 Subject:
Here I come to save the day!
A mild-mannered architect becomes Safety Woman when danger lurks for children, apparently raiding ABBA's wardrobe on the way. First, a boy making hamburgers (who keeps mumbling something about a "Super Burger") starts a small fire, but Guardania is there to save the day (and yell at him.) Then, she hears another boy who finds a gun, and she is magically whisked away to save the day for him. (If he was smart enough to take the door off a refrigerator to prevent suffocation, I would think he would be safe with a gun.) I didn't catch whether the aliens wanted her to help just the kids in her neighborhood, or the world. If it was the world, that lady would be very busy.
Watch for the big screen adaption coming out in the summer of 2005, with Angelina Jolie as Guardania.
The film must have been very popular at one time, as I often see people using the Danger Dodger salute, particularly when I drive in rush hour traffic. They aren't using all three fingers, though...
July 20, 2004 Subject:
Okay, let me see if I get the premise: The Chipmunks in a spaceship give powers to keep children safe to a woman whose costume consists of a plastic garbage can lid, a suit from the Village People wardrobe collection, sunglasses, a scarf, and an adult toy? To quote Joel from MST3K, Oscar Wilde only wished he were this gay. I'm waiting for Guardiana to team up with Mr. B Natural. This one's pure cheese, and I like cheese! I'd give it three thumbs up if I had a third thumb.
June 21, 2004 Subject:
Do you know thr Danger Dodger saltute?
While I am sure I'll enjoy the other Guardiana film equally, this is too much of a pip. A mild mannered lady gets into contact with some high pitched space aliens and turns into GUARDIANA!! Safety woman!! This PREPOSTEROUS film just can't get more ridiculous. A kid makes hamburgers and starts a small stove fire. The kid yells unconvingly, and the woman with a snap of her fingers and a weird wave turns into guardiana with a weird torch and a plastic garbage lid cover, comes to save the day with a bit of a lecture and some safety tips. She also saves a kid who discovers a gun ("It wasn't loaded!") and a falling kid with the slowest falling time of a plant ever seen.
All of this is too weird, too funny, and is TOTAL required viewing.. a MUST SEE ON THIS SITE! One of the best films I've seen here.
September 17, 2003 Subject:
near-Ed Wood qualities make this an ultra-classic
It's hard to tell from watching "Safety: Harm Hides at Home" how far the makers' tongues were planted in cheek. Aside from the aforementioned flying-hubcap special effects in the film, "Guardiana"'s agonizingly long alien-initiation flashback brings this film amazingly close to Sun Ra Arkestra territory, and the costume she wears fits with that assessment, too. "Stiff" doesn't begin to describe the acting by everyone in the film; there's a particularly hallucinatory quality to the mise en scene, and one is left with the realization that home accidents are not such a concern, at all, because as soon as one happens, Guardiana will magically appear to avert disaster. Sure, she admits that she "can't be everywhere at once", but I'm not buying it. I'm thrilled that children can actually be as reckless as they want and it will all probably come out OK. One of my very favorite Prelinger finds.